Learned to Look for Love in the Right Places

I've been single for six years now. It's not that I haven't wanted to date or that I haven't had the opportunity I've just ended up broken-hearted. It's a condition I've gotten so used to that I'm more familiar with that feeling than I am with the joy and elation that comes with the beginnings of a new relationship.

Recently I've realized that a lot of the relationships that are idealized in books, TV and movies are actually not very healthy. This of course is not a huge revelation it's just that recently I came across two examples and I was able to see the flaws more readily than anything else.

The first is the recent Stephenie Meyer book Breaking Dawn. All these teenage girls are obsessed with the character of Edward as being the ideal boyfriend/husband. I came across all these comments on various articles about it with these girls claiming to be ruined for all other men because of Edward. It's no wonder marriages fail so often if women are looking to fictional characters for examples of the perfect partner.

While Edward is a respectable character he has one flaw that I don't think I would be able to live with. He is always overprotective of Bella to the point where he doesn't trust her decisions. He goes behind her back and keeps her from doing the things he believes aren't safe or proper.

Jacob was better in this area by respecting Bella's opinions and decisions. He let her make her own choices and respected them. He'd tell her if he thought something was a bad idea but in the end he would let her make her choice. He was there if something went wrong but he let her live the consequences of her own decisions.

I suppose this is one small thing, but it bothered me to hear about all these young girls who wanted to meet a guy just like Edward. I would rather have a husband who treated me as his equal and respected my decisions and my opinions the same as I would his.

Since I've been unemployed for a couple of months I've gotten rather familiar with daytime TV. I don't mean soap operas, since I swore those off years ago, I've been watching Instant Star.

For those that are unaware, this is a Canadian teen program about a girl, Jude Harrison, who wins a Canadian Idol-type contest and her life after the win.

I can hear people groaning as they read this because the show doesn't exactly get glowing endorsements from people my age. Frankly, I don't care. It doesn't diminish my enjoyment of it.

I actually like the music a lot. It reminds me of all that teen angst and gives me another lens to view my own teenage past. I've seen my own relationship mistakes reflected back at me. Thank goodness I've grown up and learned a lot since then.

I digress - I did have a point in regards to this. On the show Jude has an on-again, off-again relationship with her producer, Tommy. It is very clear from almost the beginning of the series that the two have a really strong connection through music. You could call them soulmates but both of them have major issues.

The first problem I noticed with their relationship is that everytime Tommy slights Jude she completely breaks down and cannot function anymore. She neglects her responsibilities and runs off.

I'm not completely unsympathetic cause I remember when I was younger how every romantic disappointment felt like the world was ending. But when my first boyfriend broke up with me I still went into work that night because I didn't think that it was a big enough reason to miss work.

I remember my boss at the time noticed my red-rimmed eyes and after my explanation she asked me why I hadn't stayed home to work it out. I did not have a sufficient answer for her. Hindsight gives me the benefit of knowing that it wouldn't have mattered anyway as we were looking for completely different things in a partner.

The other problem with Jude and Tommy's relationship is the fact that Tommy doesn't let Jude into his life. There are parts of it he edits or ignores all together. You can't have a relationship with someone and only know one tiny piece of who they are. You cannot mask the bad parts of yourself from your partner and only show the things you're proud of and have a healthy and honest relationship. If someone loves you, they will love all of you - the good and the bad.

Tommy, because of his brutal upbringing forever feels unworthy of Jude. He loves her but he cannot let her in completely and as a result always ends up pushing her away. This happens more than once in the four seasons of the show.

I did love the relationship between Jude and Tommy because you know they love each other deeply but it isn't enough to surmount the personal obstacles they have. You know that for Jude to have a healthy, loving and fulfilling relationship she has to be with someone other than Tommy. She could wait for him to sort himself out but the reality of life is that you shouldn't spend your life waiting for someone to deal with their baggage in order to be with them.

The thing is that girls see this and they fall in love with the broken guy. They spend the early part of their lives looking for Humpty Dumpty boy that they can piece back together again who they think will love them because they 'saved' him from himself.

It may have taken me longer than most other girls but I learned that no one can save someone else. You alone are responsible for your own baggage. You have to deal with it and discard it in order to be able to engage in an honest and loving relationship. I stopped looking for the broken guys cause I learned that lesson the hard way.

I suppose all this is why I am not as patient watching teen shows anymore. I watch and see the characters making the mistakes I've already learned not to make and it frustrates me. Of course I realize that means that the actors are doing their job well. I really do think that Alexz Johnson and Tim Rozon are pretty fantastic. They make it all believable.

I appreciate a show, movie or song that makes me feel something. If it engages me then I will enjoy it. I don't care if people say it's bad or that I'm too old to watch it. I learn from everything and this show for me was full of a lot of truths.

As for me, I know that there is a man out there that my heart is looking for. I haven't met him yet, but I know that he is out there somewhere looking for me too.